THE D
by pregojar
Summary: One time I got drunk and wrote the best story ever. Warning: you may never eat spaghetti again.


I glabced over to her, mulling over her plain expression, her dull brown hair and slightly generic facial features that I purely cannot describe because I'm honestly convinced that the woman I called my girlfriend looked like everyone but at the same time looked like nothing. Maybe she'd be more identifiable with no facial features like some slenderman thing going on but once I had a nightmare about thsat and I swear I actually avoided her for like a month after that and it wouldn've been longer but she apparently never left her room when I avoided seeing her and I was positive she would die 9if I stayed away long enough after that,.

Um I'm drunk riught now um im sorry.

"Bella" I say as I stare at her staring back at me staring aback at her and staring back at me and there's a lot o0f staring and honestly its sorta weird cuz it started since I accicdentally stared at her once by accident ad she caught on and it just turned into a thing.

"yesss?" her voice is always so frail and frightened. Why? She said she wasn't' afraid of my whole vampire thing like yeah I can eat people and one time she got kidnapped and once I stalked her and I think I answered my own question why the fuck was that a good idea and I..hgsa what?

"Theres soinething you should know anbt omym" What the fuck was I saying?

"What is it?"

"Well I…I" Who was saying what? What was I even doing? I tried to shut myself iup.

"You what?" She was so frighteed! Her big dumb doe eyes were scared., like a deer being scared. Bella is such a deer. Not a dear deer though.

"I am in love…" I start. I'm studdering. The record that is my vocal cords is skipping and I can't readjust the needle!

"In love with me?" STOP LOOKING SCARED JESUS I THOUGHT WE WERE OVER THISSS

"I'm in love with your father."

I'm drinking this weird ass grape vodka and some shit and I mixed it with like 7-up but i didn't use much of the soda so there's a lot of vodka and holy shit it's rellly good but yeah.

She stared at me in silence like her mouth wasn't' moving and she wasn't using the sound waves her vocal cords in her throat to make noises like was it tat bad like what

"what" she deadpanned and shit like holy hell what is wring with me like she is like my age but not really and I was dating her and like shit but I like her dad like I don't wqana mess with her lower reigon but I would TOTALLY PARTY IN HER DAD'S PANTS AND ALSO DUDE THE MOUSTACHE LIKE HOLY SHIIIIT.

And I know she likes that were wodff guy whos always shirtless all the time lime i9s it int hat guy's contract?

I don't know SHIT about twilight

"I like love your dad more than you since like youre boriong as hell no offense like yeah" I say but like way better abnd suave because the voices in my head keep saying how great and handsome and Adonis-like I am and she like totally is into it likme yeah

"but you love me

And I'm already bored with this I should move onto the sex scfe3e because WHOA WERE THE FUCK SDID THE NUMBERS COME FROM THE FUCK?!

The sex is what wer'er here for and all so let's do this so like edwaqrd and bella are all like 'WE BROKE UP AND ELEDWAR IS ALL BELLA I MUST GO. IMUST GO RIDE THE MOUSTACHE And she's all EDWARDSAD, EDWARD NO. like that one gif of thor I saw on tumblr once you klnow the one I'm talking abpout superwholockians.

Grape vodka more like great vodka.

So like Edward whernt to bella's house and bella moved to seatlle to get an English degree and forget geography and all and Charlie was home. At his house not in seattle stupid.

And he was all mope mope ium an alcoholic and I got a moustache and im the worst cop over and Jacob preformed a strip show for me and blah nlach blahc

And Edward bursts into the door with desu sparkles and anime and shit because this is kawaii yaoi weaboo shit like he should have cat ears we're diving in that deep like think middle school and you just discovered naruto and think sakura is the best name EVA. that's the level of stupid and annoying we're talking.

And weadard is like 'MR SWAN." AND Charlies is like "I KNOW." And then he slowly unbuttones his that plaid shirt that lumberjacks wear that I forgot what their called but you lknowtheomces im talking here like ooo.

And he's like getting shirtless and Edwards all like OMG HER'S GETTING NUDE I AM NOT READY GFOR THIS BLUSH BLUSH ANIME FUCKERY. AND charlies' like I KNO YOU WANT THE D

And Edwards all I was not ready for this and he apoprahed the large burloy man and stareds at thim but then bella's poppa is like STIOPTHAT SJIT NAO AND BEND OVAER. And edwardsslike HOPY SHITH I WAS NOT EXPECTING THISSSs? But he does anyewyab because he wanted to do this for awhile since like this is the legit reason he dated bella to get closer to the dilf

So like cxhrlie has like a big cock wait that aint classy shit I didn't prepare a nice word uhhhhhhhh

So Charlie got hbis massive dna wand and it was big like the genetic magic was STRONG WITH THIS ONE and he pressed it against ed's bum since ed was now magically naked. That's the power of the alcoholic moustache kay.

So anyway He's about to explore the inner depths of the youg vampire and it's just like my jaopanese gay porn animes but then ed's like OMFG WAIT NO UESE SOMETHINNNNGGGGGGGGGG since like he doesn't wanna die of external bleeding from his anus cus that's like the most embarrassing way to explain how you died. Like oh im in heaven now why hello fellow dead friend how did you died? Oh being shot well I died because I ripped my bootyhole because I used no luuuuubbbebebe and nthen BOOM LAUGHED OUT OF THE AFTERLIFE.

SURPRISE AU YAYYY

So lie ed's like LUBE STUOUD AND THEN CHARLIS OUNCHED HIM LIKE DON'T YELL AT ME, BITHCHH.

Charlie looked around like wtf can he use for lube like he didn't need that shit vagina's had that shit built in like it's the same shit sharks have or something idk I saw it on Wikipedia once anyways buitts weren't like vaginas like you eed to do things to be able to DO THINGS.

They're in the kitchen btw.

Then he saw the SPAGETTHI HE WAS MAKING LIKE DYUHHHHHHHHHH

So he took tgh4e jaor of prego to use like that shit's slippery enough and food's like legit perfect to use since there's no infections went it goes ip the poop exits anyway chrlies had no idea wtf he was doing so like he dumped the whole jar on ed's but lik e is that good enouht and then he shoved his stick ofg destiny in there to pursue it's glorious purpoise of being stuck in things and he started to move his hips like I don't fucking know you can imagine so like ed's all OMG and charlies all… NOTHING BECAUSE HE'S THEB TOP AND HE'S ALL SERIOUS SERIOUS BECAUSE HE'S BUSY STEERING THE SEX BUS THAT IS EDWAQT'S BUTT. His dick's the sterring wheel.

5

They came like 5 times beczuse I don't fucking know that men have to wait for orgasim again like what?!

So Charlie releases in ed's buitt and pulls out and ed's like WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAASFFSAAGGSGDSFARHRGGSHG.,exac tly like that he's talented enough to make those noises.

And like idk how to end this im out of vodka so like yeah they cuddled and shit whatever im tired,

Butts.


End file.
